Weird Pairings Week
by Ariana Peverell
Summary: Seven of the weirdest, wackiest pairings I can come up with. Lots of silliness.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I officially declare this week….. WEIRD PAIRINGS WEEK! I'm doing a weird pairing for every day! If anyone has a super-duper weird pairing, feel free to say so in a review!

The first pairing is…

DOBBY X SORTING HAT!

WOO-HOO!

Weird Pairings Week

Day One: The Sorting Hat's Sexy Seams

Dobby remembered the first time he saw him.

It was back when he was still serving Bad Master Lucius. Bad Master Lucius was eating his breakfast, as usual, when Bad Master had received an owl.

Bad Master had nearly choked on his tea. Dobby would have laughed, only he feared that his master would chop off his bits. Bad Master had often threatened to do so.

Bad Master had called Dobby, and Dobby had had to put on Bad Master's shoes for him, but Bad Master was impatient, and didn't even let Dobby finish polishing his shoes! The nerve of him!

Bad Master and Dobby had gone to Hoggywarts because The Great and Noble Harry Potter Sir had foiled Bad Master's Cunning Evil Plan™.

Then Dobby saw him. Sitting on a shelf in all of his hatty glory.

His cloth was brown, warm, and soft. Just looking at it made Dobby want to cuddle the poor thing. His seams were finely sewn and beautiful. The rip in his brim was perfectly proportioned, accenting his lovely buttons.

Dobby was suddenly very glad that Bad Master hadn't chopped off his bits.

Years later, the Sorting Hat woke up in the Hospital Wing, after the Battle of Hogwarts, to find a house-elf leaning over him.

"Oh! My love, you're awake!" Dobby cried.

"Where am I, Dob-Dob?" asked the Sorting Hat, his mind (?) fogged from sleep.

"In the Hospital Wing, my love, you fought most valiantly," said Dobby, "and, I have a question…"

"Anything, Dob-Dob, anything at all."

"Will you marry me?" asked Dobby.

"Oh, yes! Yes!"

A bed over, a red-head was gaping.

"Blimey, those house-elves are _weird,"_ said one Ronald Billius Weasley.

"Ronald! Just because they're different…"

But Dobby and the Sorting Hat heard no more, caught up in a passionate kiss.

A/N: Sorry it's short, but they're all going to be like that. Review! Suggestions welcome! (I already have seven lined up but if anyone come up with a better one, well, who am I to refuse?)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: And it's day two of weird pairings week! Special thanks to.

This one's pairing is….

HEDWIG X DUMBLEDORE!

This one's weird, like, really weird.

Weird Pairings Week

Day Two: Dat Beard

Hedwig was circling the turrets and towers of Hogwarts, when she saw a face in one of the many windows.

Not just any face.

A _bearded_ face. Hedwig loved beards. So soft, so warm, so… cuddly.

She circled around the tower once more, before coming to a stop, gliding gracefully down to land on the window sill.

She cooed at the beard, tapping her beak against the glass, batting her honey-gold eyes at the Beard.

Beard smiled warmly at her, opening the window. Hedwig fluttered in happily.

"My dear bird, aren't you Harry's? Hedwig, I do believe," said Beard.

Harry? That was her master. Hedwig hooted in response.

"I suppose you are, then."

Hedwig rubbed her beak happily against the Beard. The Beard chuckled. Hedwig enjoyed the feeling of the Beard's soft hair for a few minutes, before Beard moved away, and, unhappily, Hedwig flew out the window.

"What a strange bird…" said Dumbledore. He was rather puzzled by the day's events, but he soon forgot.

A/N: Review! This one was a bit less… dramatic? Romantic? Crazy? But the pairing was the weirdest I could make it.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Special thanks to everyone who's reviewed! So we've had an insane, gay house-elf and a hat, an owl with a beard fetish, and now we've got the trio goofing around a little more than they should.

Weird Pairings Week

Day Three: Boys are Dumb (No Offense to Boys in the Audience)

It had all started as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were packing their trunks at the end of fourth year. Well, Ron and Harry were packing their trunks, Hermione had had hers packed, in alphabetical order and color-coded (and put in alphabetical order by color) three weeks prior, and was attempting to do the same to Harry's trunk as the author delivers this speech.

Harry threw a particularly hard-to-pack book across the room in frustration, hitting a random house-elf that, was, for OoC reasons unknown, mysteriously cleaning the room, when logically it should have cleaned AFTER they had all gone. Wait a minute, did I just try to apply logic to fanfic?

"Harry!" said Hermione reproachfully.

Ron picked up the book, opening it to a random page.

"Hey, listen to this!" he said, "the love spell, a variant of the love potion, causes the receiver to become obsessed with the first thing they lay eyes on. In addition to this, it can be used at great distances! Cool!"

"Gimme that!" said Harry, grabbing the book, and fishing his wand out of his pocket. "Amor ad primus vissus est Dudley Vernon Dursley!"

"Harry! What did you do?" shrieked Hermione.

Far, far away, in the kitchen of Number Four, Privet Drive, Dudley looked up from his doughnuts and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Its sides were a shiny, flawless, stainless steel. Its perfectly proportioned little plastic bits accented its fine plug…..

Dudley Dursley had just fallen in love….

…. With a toaster.

Miles away, in Scotland, Harry Potter smiled.

"…Harry! How could you! What if he falls in love with his mother!" ranted Hermione.

But Harry wasn't listening. A grin was spreading across his face as he imagined the havoc he could reek with this spell. A plan began to form in his mind.

Back to Little Whinging. The author has decreed that you can't find out about the plan for two more chapters. We don't want to spoil it for you, now do we?

Dudley plugged the toaster in, stroking its little ruby-red wires…

Later that day, Harry was seated in the backseat of Vernon's brand-new, uber-expensive car, when he realized something.

"Aunt Petunia, where's Dudley?"

Aunt Petunia turned her little beady eyes on him. "In the hospital, third degree burns."

A/N: This one's longer. In two chapters you get to find out, and that pairing is literally the weirdest thing I've ever seen.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I am so, so sorry for the wait guys. I was sick, then I left my computer at my friend's house, then my rat got pneumonia, but it was the weekend so we couldn't get her to the vet, and she died, then my other rat had a heart attack and died. In other words, I had a crappy week.

Special thanks to everyone who's reviewed! This chapter is dedicated to KOTORgeek13, for the wonderful suggestion of…

HERMIONE X GRAWP!

Weird Pairings Week

Day Four: Laughter is the Best Medicine

Grawp was one confused giant.

Snatched from the only home he knew (albeit a miserable home), taken to a strange place, and tied down to an old, sturdy oak tree.

Hagger tried to keep him company, and was teaching him his ways, but Grawp longed for company.

So when Hagger brought a strange girl to Grawp's clearing, Grawp tried to make friends with her.

The girl's name, Grawp soon learned, was Hermy. Grawp quickly became attached to Hermy. But all good things must end, and Grawp did not see Hermy for a long, long while.

It was after the Battle of Hogwarts, and Grawp peered through the window of a long room, with white beds lining either side. What had Hagger called it? A Hospitable, that was it.

Hermy was leaning over a Weasel-human, Grawp believed they were called. There were a few others n the room, the strange living-hat and the house-elf. Grawp didn't pay much attention to them, though. He was concentrated on Hermy.

The Weasel jumped, pointing to the house elf and the living-hat, and Hermy seemed to be telling him off. Grawp watched the proceedings with interest.

Eventually the Weasel-human fell asleep, and Hermy finally looked up and saw him. Hermy waved, and Grawp felt happiness well up in his chest. He rumbled a greeting, trying to put his hand through the window.

Hermy laughed.

Grawp laughed with her.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Special thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I must now make an announcement. From now on I will be working on ONE STORY AT A TIME. This one is getting my attention for now, so you guys don't have to worry. On my other stories, my readers will have to wait a while.

Weird Pairings Week

Day Five: Bald is the New Sexy

It was September First. Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters was bustling, and this is where we find Harry Potter, boarding the train after a summer of chores and antagonizing Fatso- oops, I meant Dudley,

And it is five hours after this that we find Harry sitting in a train compartment, alone, his friends patrolling the corridors.

A sly grin spread across his face. He fished around in his jeans' pocket, eventually pulling out his wand.

" _Amor ad primus vissus est Tom Marvolo Riddle,"_ he whispered, nearly cackling with glee at the thought of what this would do to his arch-nemesis.

Hundreds of miles away, in the dungeons of Malfoy Manor, Lord Voldemort was lurking. It was his favorite pastime, besides torturing his followers, but lurking was very tiring. It took a lot of energy to always look suitably creepy.

Lord Voldemort soon found himself to be peckish.

"Kreacher!" he called.

Do I really need to spell out what happened next?

Ten minutes later, a highly traumatized Narcissa Malfoy ran, sobbing, into her husband's arms, wailing about gay house-elves and dark lords.

BONUS CHAPTER:

"Please please please please…."whimpered Shampoo.

Severus Snape paid the unfortunate Shampoo no mind, sweeping past in all his greasy glory.

He didn't see Shampoo's tears, forever forgotten and neglected, forever unused, forever being forced to watch the man go for _years_ without washing his hair.

Poor Shampoo.

A/N: Thanks to KOTORgeek13 for the suggestion! (I didn't have enough insoiration to make that a whole chapter, so it became this)


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry about the wait, guys. I have a very busy schedule, you know. Hogwarts during the school year, Camp Half-Blood in the summer, and solving crimes with Sherlock on weekends.

I _wish._

I was, in fact, forbidden from the computer until my _Little Women_ book report was turned in. Sorry. I procrastinated.

Weird Pairings Week

Day Six: The Questionable Sanity of Bellatrix Lestrange

It is a little known fact that Bellatrix Lestrange is insane.

*sarcasm hand raised*

So insane, in fact, that she once attempted to torture a brick. I am not making this up. Siriusly.

She insisted that the brick in question had sassed her. One questions how the said brick accomplished this, but by then, everyone was too terrified of her to argue.

Our tale begins with the questionably sane Bellatrix being all BAMF at the Battle of Hogwarts (a lot of the chapters take place in the Battle of Hogwarts. Odd.)

Neville Longbottom, having a burning desire to avenge his parents (or perhaps a death wish), confronted her, and challenged her to a duel.

Death wish.

"Why do you wish to fight me, my love?" Bellatrix screech – er, said.

"Huh?" was Neville's intelligent, witty reply.

Bellatrix threw herself at the unfortunate boy, wrapping her arms around his neck.

It was official. Whatever thin threads of sanity she had left were gone.

She smashed her lips against Neville's. He promptly decapitated her and threw up.

Neville suppressed the memory and went on with the fight.

It would take several weeks of therapy, twenty-seven hypnotizings, and three years of dancing on her grave before he recovered.

A/N: I am so mean to Neville. I kind of feel bad about that.


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